I know I talk a lot about the lack of sleep I get. It must be pretty tedious to hear about it so often. But let me just tell you how not getting any sleep affects me and what I actually mean when you ask me how I am, and I just say through a forced smile, ‘pretty tired but fine’.
Most nights I am woken up every hour or two. Sometimes I’m up for 5 minutes, sometimes for 2 hours. Broken sleep like that is a form of torture. It’s like going on an overnight long haul flight and then arriving in a time zone that is 12 hours ahead of your own. EVERY. SINGLE. NIGHT. Now for 7 months in a row. I have not slept for more than 3 hours in over half a year. So does it consume me and my thoughts? YES.
I’ve had days where my hands are shaking and the room is spinning because I am that tired. I am grumpy, snappy, eating badly, forgetting things, and probably not safe to be driving a car.
So it’s got to the point where I can’t continue like this…not for my health, any of our safety, my ability to parent in the day, or my marriage. And it seems like my only option is to use the dreaded Controlled Crying method. I’ve put it off, hearing that research proves it’s going to seriously damage my child’s welfare, connection with me, stress levels etc. And then other stories of how it totally transformed their baby’s sleeping habits. It’s confusing and I’m torn between the two. I feel like I’ll be choosing between how much I love my son, and how much I love myself. How much am I willing to sacrifice for him? Well everything. But I also need sleep to function and have energy for him in the day, and for my daughter. So I’ve decided to give it a go.
Do I want to leave my baby to cry himself to sleep? No. Am I going to feel guilty about it. Yes. Do I have an another option? I don’t think so.
So tonight, at the risk of being judged by lots of other mums, we begin. Follow my instagram for updates!